What is it about tequila that makes it such a fine drink? Some have suggested it’s the way a shot burrows down your throat, burning away every shred of shyness and inhibition. Others seem to think it’s the way it mingles with salt and lime to form a drunken trifecta of alcoholic goodness that loosens both tongues and lips. Me? Well, I think it’s a simple case of magic. Yes, magic. You see, tequila is derived from blue agave (also known as Agave tequilana azul), which is used by local people to perform various spiritual (aka magical) rituals. These magical rituals usually happen like this: a group of young, attractive poeple gather in a circle, with each member in the group holding a small glass of the clear, fiery liquid. In their other hand a slice of lemon is perched between the index finger and thumb. Salt is then gently sprinkled on the back of the hand. Once these preparatory measures have been completed, all members shout “cheers!” or “salud!” (or”kampai!”if you happen to be in Japan), lick the salt, down the tequila and devour the slice of lime. A bit of warning is in order: taking a tequila shot in an order even slightly different from the one just described can result in loss of hearing, blindness, heartburn, and in some extreme cases, erections lasting more than eight hours. If you suffer from any of these symptoms while taking a tequila shot, please consult your physician immediately. Readers from the United States should make a brief stop to the ATM before seeing their physician; the cash will surely be needed.

Legend has it that blue agave and its ubiquitous offspring, tequila, have been used to cure such common afflictions as “broken heart”-itis, chronic “oh my god she dumped me” disease, advanced “I hate my boss” syndrome, and “Dude, I totally bombed that exam!”a particularly nasty strain of the flesh eating virus. Scientists are notexactly sure how the agave, and by extension, tequila, came to be endowed with their extensive healing properties, but research projects are currently underway at the Patron and Jose Cuervo breweries in the heart of Mexico to discover the source of this potential fountain of youth.

Skeptics about the so-called healing abilities of tequila abound, but the proof is in the pudding—or in the margarita, in this case. They argue tequila, rather than healing societal ills, is actually responsible for a host of problems, including but not limited to “I can’t believe I slept with the football team” syndrome, “oops, I just threw up all over your vintage Abercrombie & Fitch 5,000 thread count polo shirt” disease, and “Ah shucks, I just drank away the mortgage,” which is mysteriously derived from advanced mono mononucleosis.

As a proponent of consuming vast quantities of tequila, I would like to offer the following photographic evidence (see below) as proof of tequila’s healing powers. Consider: Healthy people are happy; happiness comes from drinking tequila. Therefore, tequila is a wonder drug. Not since Johnny Cochran’s infamous “If the glove fits you must acquit” has a sounder argument been so eloquently put forth.