I guess being articulate—even at the level of a kindergarten student—isn’t a requirement for being the next Miss Teen America, as Miss South Carolina masterfully demonstrated during a recent Q & A session. I can just imagine the thoughts slowly cascading through her mind as she’s asked a simple question about maps: “I wish my daddy coulda seen me standin in front of all these purty lights. I shouldn’t have had that second plate of pig’s feet for breakfast this morning. Hmmm… just what in tarnation is a “map”?  These city-slickers and their fancy words.  I bet my uncle jimbo knows; too bad he was eaten by an alligator last week.”  Okay, that last one was a flagrant stereotype; alligators aren’t found in South Carolina.

Thankfully, this vapid discoverer of “the Iraq” is from the good ol South (sorry, Faith), and not from, say, California, because then I’d really have to reconsider my decision to remain in the education field. Although I’m sure there are plenty of little Californians who would also be compelled to mention saving South Africa (where did that come from?) to explain why “US Americans” (so as to differentiate from “Canadian Americans,” I guess) can’t locate their own country on a map. This could also explain why people seem to harbor the belief that Japan is the country to buy loads of cheap shoes. For example: “So, I heard you just came back from Japan. Nice! Dude, I bet you bought a load of cheap shoes! I should have totally had you bring me back a pair of Nikes.” No, dumbass, that’s the other rice-eating country—you know, the one that manufactures all those cheap-looking American flags you’ll be waving around come 9/11. But I digress. Enjoy the video!