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Homosexuals make me sick to my stomach. Not only do they flaunt their disgusting lifestyle in the face of the rest of us celibate, church-going Christians who, without fail, adhere to every contradictory verse in the Bible, but now they’re trying to burn down the State of California! How’s that—the gays are responsible for the recent inferno of devastation sweeping up and down the California coast? You’re damn straight they are (pun intended)!

Now, you may be wondering how I got wind of this terrorist plot of fabulous proportions.  It’s quite simple, really:  You see, I was once like you, bamboozled by the insidious evil that is the gay agenda. They (the gays) nearly got me: I started supporting equal rights for everyone, including women, children and the mentally handicapped. I engaged in dialogue with people from other faiths (read: heathens). I even—brace yourselves—began to question the teachings of the Bible! I was backsliding, friends, down a slippery, lubricated dildo to hell. I was lost. And then, almost as if it were a part of some sort of Divine Plan, I discovered the following bastion of sound and (work with me) intelligent Christian thought.

“Amen!” I shouted to the heavens as the words of Brother Michael G. Mickey, a wise and astute warrior of Christ, scrolled across my 27″ flat screen monitor which I prayed for seven times and subsequently received—proof of God’s existence and love. I would paraphrase Brother Mike’s words for you, but they are brimming with such power, such awe-inspiring force, I think nothing short of a direct quote will due them justice. Take it away, Mike:

Why is California burning so badly that the entire sky is glowing red? Could it be because the Lord is less than happy with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recent actions? From a strictly scriptural point of view, I would say, “Possibly!”

In Leviticus 18:22, homosexuality is pronounced to be a sin in the eyes of God. Bestiality is forbidden next in verse 23. But, today, let’s focus exclusively on what the Bible says happens when a land becomes defiled by these sins being accepted and encouraged.

But wait, there’s more! It seems those damn gays are really screwing it up for the rest of us!

Leviticus 18:24-28:

Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: for in all these the nations are defiled which I cast out before you:
And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants.
Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you:
(For all these abominations have the men of the land done, which were before you, and the land is defiled😉
That the land spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you.

Brother Mike at his most analytically potent:

Do these verses establish biblical precedent for us to at least suspect that Governor Schwarzenegger’s recent forwarding of the homosexual agenda in California has brought God’s judgment upon its lands? Yes. Without a doubt.

Could it be that what we are presently seeing on the national news is California spewing out many of its inhabitants as a result of same? Quite possibly but only God knows for sure if that’s the case.

Thank God for people like Brother Mike to educate the rest of us poor, ignorant heathens. Up until now I stupidly assumed brush fires were the result of a nasty combination of drought, strong winds, heat, and an ample supply of twigs and shrubbery. Wrong! Forest fires are God’s little way of punishing the country—no wait, specifically the State of California—for going soft on fags.

But if God was really gunning for the gays—and especially the gays in California—why not just shoot a bolt of lightning through the Castro District?

Oh yeah— HE works in mysterious ways, not ways that make any damn sense.

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