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This year’s Annual West Hollywood Halloween Festival was sheer pandemonium. There’s really no better way to describe it. According to official estimates, upwards of 400,000 inebriated and costumed revelers descended upon the tiny city of 37,000, which, to its credit, is no stranger to the freaky, fantastic and the fab-u-lous. As one party goer put it, “Honey, it’s Halloween everyday in West Hollywood.” Amen to that!

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An event of this magnitude, especially one taking place in the City of Angels, is bound to attract major star power, and this year’s jumpin’ (to use the vernacular) block party was no exception. Few events are capable of luring those jaded celebrities out from their paparazzi-proof caves in the Santa Monica Mountains, but the West Hollywood Halloween Festival is definitely one of them.

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Anna Nicole Smith, rising from the grave and looking a bit on the mannish side, was there. I guess death and 500 botox procedures will have that effect on a person. I didn’t have the opportunity to speak with Ms. Nicole-Smith directly, but I did capture a bit of the following interview for your viewing pleasure. You can thank me later.

Beavis, of Beavis and Butthead fame, stopped by, hoping to re-live his glory days as a pop cultural icon; sadly, no one cared. Moving right along….

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Michael Myers was there, along with that guy from Reno:911, and some other guy who took the “clothing is optional” idea a bit too literally.

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For those of you who prefer your Halloween antics with a bit of a spiritual flavor, West Hollywood has—again, to use the vernacular—“got yo’ back.” Monks, recently spirited away from Myanmar (Burma) to West Hollywood as part of Bush’s secret plan to subvert the ruling dictatorship, were out in full force, gleefully bringing enlightenment and promises of re-incarnation (as Madonna or Diana Ross) to the masses.

Even Jesus of Nazareth, sporting lace-up sandals and vintage chainware by Dulce & Gabanna, made an appearance, although I daresay he is looking a bit Asian these days. But if there can be a white Jesus, and a Black Jesus, then why not an Asian Jesus? This, my friends, is called PROGRESS.

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But Jesus wasn’t the only robe-clad vagabond to grace West Hollywood with their presence on this most holy of nights. Former media darling Osama Bin Laden, the man who uses VHS tapes like they’re going out of style, was not content to let J.C. hog all the spotlight. I looked forward to witnessing these two titans of THE ONE GOD go at it, but alas, they both managed to keep their respective cools and remain civil…for now. Besides, that’s what after parties are for.

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Buffed and bronzed gym bunnies were present and accounted for…

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…as were men of questionable girth.

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And then there were the Conservative Christian wackos, one of whom ironically seemed to be going for that whole “militant lesbian” look. While the pictures more than speak for themselves, make sure you also check out the videos. They’re classics.

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And there you have it—Halloween in West Hollywood. It doesn’t get much better (or crazier) than that. I’ll leave you with the following picture from what I like to call my “vault of irony.”

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Homosexuals make me sick to my stomach. Not only do they flaunt their disgusting lifestyle in the face of the rest of us celibate, church-going Christians who, without fail, adhere to every contradictory verse in the Bible, but now they’re trying to burn down the State of California! How’s that—the gays are responsible for the recent inferno of devastation sweeping up and down the California coast? You’re damn straight they are (pun intended)!

Now, you may be wondering how I got wind of this terrorist plot of fabulous proportions.  It’s quite simple, really:  You see, I was once like you, bamboozled by the insidious evil that is the gay agenda. They (the gays) nearly got me: I started supporting equal rights for everyone, including women, children and the mentally handicapped. I engaged in dialogue with people from other faiths (read: heathens). I even—brace yourselves—began to question the teachings of the Bible! I was backsliding, friends, down a slippery, lubricated dildo to hell. I was lost. And then, almost as if it were a part of some sort of Divine Plan, I discovered the following bastion of sound and (work with me) intelligent Christian thought.

“Amen!” I shouted to the heavens as the words of Brother Michael G. Mickey, a wise and astute warrior of Christ, scrolled across my 27″ flat screen monitor which I prayed for seven times and subsequently received—proof of God’s existence and love. I would paraphrase Brother Mike’s words for you, but they are brimming with such power, such awe-inspiring force, I think nothing short of a direct quote will due them justice. Take it away, Mike:

Why is California burning so badly that the entire sky is glowing red? Could it be because the Lord is less than happy with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recent actions? From a strictly scriptural point of view, I would say, “Possibly!”

In Leviticus 18:22, homosexuality is pronounced to be a sin in the eyes of God. Bestiality is forbidden next in verse 23. But, today, let’s focus exclusively on what the Bible says happens when a land becomes defiled by these sins being accepted and encouraged.

But wait, there’s more! It seems those damn gays are really screwing it up for the rest of us!

Leviticus 18:24-28:

Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: for in all these the nations are defiled which I cast out before you:
And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants.
Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you:
(For all these abominations have the men of the land done, which were before you, and the land is defiled😉
That the land spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you.

Brother Mike at his most analytically potent:

Do these verses establish biblical precedent for us to at least suspect that Governor Schwarzenegger’s recent forwarding of the homosexual agenda in California has brought God’s judgment upon its lands? Yes. Without a doubt.

Could it be that what we are presently seeing on the national news is California spewing out many of its inhabitants as a result of same? Quite possibly but only God knows for sure if that’s the case.

Thank God for people like Brother Mike to educate the rest of us poor, ignorant heathens. Up until now I stupidly assumed brush fires were the result of a nasty combination of drought, strong winds, heat, and an ample supply of twigs and shrubbery. Wrong! Forest fires are God’s little way of punishing the country—no wait, specifically the State of California—for going soft on fags.

But if God was really gunning for the gays—and especially the gays in California—why not just shoot a bolt of lightning through the Castro District?

Oh yeah— HE works in mysterious ways, not ways that make any damn sense.

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