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Well, according to “tradition,” that is. Personally, I think Japanese women—and most women, to be honest—are quite lovely. Marvelous, even. But not the Japanese Sumo Federation. Oh no. They adhere to an entirely different line of thinking.

In a nutshell: “Japanese Sumo tradition forbids women from entering the ring on the grounds that it is sacred and their presence, considered unclean, would pollute it. ” Ouch.

So why all the harshness for the so-called fairer sex (not in Japan, anyway!)? Apparently, some female “terrorist” by the name of Kawaikunai Onna rushed the ring at a recent Sumo match, in a brazen display of defiance against a patriarchal society dominated by alcoholic wrinkly old men. Perhaps she watched just one too many of those bra-burning news clips from the 60s, and decided it was time to take matters into her own hands. Talk about gaman shisugita.

But seriously, isn’t this ridiculous? No? You think Britney Spears’ VMA performance was ten times more ridiculous, even when compared to the sight of several 500-pound wussies—I mean athletes, excuse me—shrieking at the site of a petite Japanese obachan (middle-aged lady)? Perhaps. But at least you have to admit this is a new low for Japan in terms of advancement of the female species.  National shame should be at abunai levels right about now. This is worst than the “women are birthing machines” comment eloquently put forth by that clown who belonged to former Prime Minister Abe. So to recap: Woman is flung from ring because “tradition” stipulates that she, as a possessor of a vagina, is little better than a strand of infectious bacteria.  In other words, girls have cooties.

The kicker for me is that no one has uttered so much as peep about this story.  Where’s the outrage? Where are the demands for someone’s—start with the head of the sumo association—resignation? Where are the legion of women marching through the streets of Tokyo, bras and lighters in hand, threatening a massive Louis Vuitton conflagration?

Oh, I forgot: We’re talking about Japan here, land of the almighty wa (harmony).  The burning of anything other than rubbish and Southeast Asian sex slave records isn’t allowed. That would disrupt the wa, and we certainly can’t have that.

Meanwhile somewhere off in the distance, two sweaty sumo wrestlers, clad in nothing but massive white loin cloths, reassure each other that indeed, “onna no hito wa kitanai yo neeee.”

“Neee…”

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